Holey macaroni, humonys. Are you ready to cover one of the most bombastic films to ever grace the silver screen? You’d better be because we’re about to talk about mother fuck!n’ Transformers: Age of Extinction. Michael Bay has christened my baby-soft ass once again, and I have been reborn. Some consider this the beginning of the end of these films, but I like to think of it as the end of the beginning. I’m about to Fansplain this shiz out of this to you dingleberries.

Transformers: Age of Extinction Synopsis

“The plot follows Sam Witwicky Cade Yeager, a high-schooler college freshman jobless graduate Texas Inventah, and his talking car truck as they go on the adventure of a lifetime and try to stop the evil Megatron Galvatron from obtaining the All-Spark Matrix of Leadership Pillars Seed and destroying Earth.”

This film serves as a direct sequel, as well as a soft reboot to the series. Only Michael Bay could revolutionize franchise storytelling like that. The film introduces us to Cade Yeager, a native Texan with a God Complex. Not only does he think he can ignore sanctions put in place by the U.S. Government by harboring an Autobot fugitive, but the man also wants to study Transformer genealogy and apply it to his inventions. The man LITERALLY wants to create life. The f^cking balls.

In tandem with that, we’re introduced to Stanley Tucci’s Joshua who has succeeded in what Cade hopes to accomplish. He has been able to successfully create living, sentient Transformers. This whole movie literally revolves around creating life. The Seed itself will terraform a section of Earth so Joshua can harvest Transformium (f^cksake) and create MORE Transformers. Yet it’s titled “Age of EXTINCTION.” It’s about creating life, not ending it. How does that make any sense? What the actual f^ck.

Wait, do I not like this movie?

Transformers: Age of Extinction Ending

Optimus and the other Autobots have been hunted by Lockdown, a Transformer assassin, for the entire movie. Lockdown has been hired by Optimus’ “CreatorS” to kill them all. I emphasized the plural-ness of “creators” because I’m pretty sure there’s only one creator in the next movie. Lockdown uses a magnet to try and grab Optimus, and the previously escaped Dinobots, but just ends up destroying parts of Hong Kong. There’s a fight. Good guys win. The main bad guy escapes. I don’t know.

Here’s where I’m stuck; why would the Dinobots turn into dinosaurs while in combat? Their giant robot forms would be so much more useful in battle. They’re twice the size of Optimus. Why limit yourself to that of a T-Rex when you are a Knight Robot the size of a skyscraper?? Along those same lines, Galvatron and his Decepticons transform by turning into a floating, cubic semen stream. They can maneuver in all directions and maintain the same velocity as their vehicle form. Why the F^CK would they ever drive?? FLOAT UP TO OPTIMUS, BECOME ROBOT, KILL HIM. WHY ARE YOU DRIVING?? WHY BE A TRUCK??? BE A CLOUD!!

If you need to go from Point A to Point B as fast as possible: do you take a unicycle with a flat tire on a bumpy, dirt road or do you take a rocket-powered hovercraft?? I feel like I’m losing my mind here.

Oh, and Optimus flies into space.

Transformers: Age of Extinction Ending Explained

This movie made $1.104 billion. That didn’t happen on the first day before word of mouth got out. This movie continued. It persevered. We let this happen. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes came out the same weekend. How did this beat it? I’m being hyperbolic of course. All of you are idiots.

If you need this explained then I’m not sure what to tell you. Get off your phone and pay attention to your fourth-grade teacher.

Closing Thoughts

I blame this film for the divide in our country.

Frasier was in this. It’s always nice to see him.

–Kellen Murack

If you want to read the first Transformers Ending Explained, click here.

Or Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen Ending Explained, click here.

Or Transformers: Dark of the Moon Ending Explained, click here.

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