Badcasting ‘The Suicide Squad’
Welcome to Badcasting! A way for you to kill time at work or something to read while on the toilet. Here, we take a look at past films or characters and reimagine them with different actors. This isn’t a reflection on the quality of the film (in this case, The Suicide Squad) or the talents of specific actors or actresses but instead looking at what could, and in some cases should, have been.
This edition’s film: The Suicide Squad.
There WILL BE SPOILERS for this film so turn away unless you want your head to pop.
Bloodsport – Dennis the Menace
Robert DuBois is Deadshot-lite. The character is introduced in a prison, unwilling to join Waller’s Suicide Squad, only to be coerced into it thanks in part to his daughter’s delinquency. He has a grab-bag of tricks and weapons, such as arrow slingshot, spikey yo-yo and wrist crossbow, that he uses on the inhabitants of Corto Maltese. The character could be considered a nuisance; sure. But he really needed to be a menace.
Insert THE menace: Dennis. This kid was relentless in his ongoing torture of Mr. Wilson. He never had the decency to kill this old man, oh no. He tortured that decrepit son of a butt. With slingshots, glue and probably other ridiculous toys, he made that man wish he was dead. He did all of this with a bowlcut and wearing overalls, something Idris freaking WISHES he could pull off.
Harley Quinn – Elizabeth Holmes
We know who Harley is. I won’t waste your time on this pre-amble.
Holmes, however, might be the unknown to you in this case. She was the CEO of Theranos, a blood company said to revolutionize blood testing. Holmes is currently being indicted for wire fraud. That’s the boring part. Look at his lady’s crazy eyes. 90% of acting as Harley Quinn is being blonde and having crazy eyes. This woman also sounds like her balls dropped below her knees which is the craziest part about her.
Peacemaker – Papa John
Peacemaker, with his red and blue costume, is an allusion to an America of the past. A man who’s willing to give the American people peace at any cost. He’s willing to kill any man, woman or child without any hesitation if he knew it’d bring peace.
Papa John, with his garlic buttery sweat, is an allusion to the American businessman of the past. A man who’s willing to use the n-word without any hesitation. This man knows how to follow through on threats and needs to be taken seriously. John Cena claimed to eat 36 empanadas while filming this movie. You know what’s more impressive, eating 40 pizzas in 30 days. Following that, this man has yet to have severe artery failure or even shattering his entire toilet resulting in being stabbed by a shard of porcelain. Speaking of…
Rick Flag – Elvis Presley
Rick Flag benefitted from not being an exposition dump in this film. Audiences got to see what made the character tick and received glimpses at his personality. He was a kind soul who cared about all people. Flag is the American hero we all wish we could be and some believe they are.
Elvis was that aspiration back in the day. He represented the fame, talent and fortune for our parents/grandparents. He also served! And, much like Flag, the poor guy had heart issues while in a bathroom. Had Elvis had a few less martinis we might’ve been able to see him in this DC masterstroke.
EDIT: Elvis would have been 84 at the time of filming. I would’ve snuck a sensation out of his bathroom and replaced him with an identical body-double, smuggle him to Barbados and let him live out the rest of his life in order to see that man portray Rick Flag.
Ratcatcher II – Olivia Rodrigo
Ratcatcher II was the heart of The Suicide Squad. Audiences found themselves relating to this young woman thrust into a world of giant starfish and handsome sharks. She’s portrayed as a tired millennial with a magic wand capable of making rats think climbing into a giant alien eyeball was copacetic.
This is a vanity casting to convince myself I’m still young. Let me have this. I showed my age with the other castings.
Polka-Dot Man – Weird Al Yankovic
David Dastmalchian did the impossible and brought Polka-Dot Man to life and made audiences give half a sh!t about him. But he didn’t break the white rapper barrier by rhyming “mayonnaise” with “play for days.”
The man reinvigorated the “polka.” And, like a “dot,” that’s a full stop. Had this movie been made in the 90’s or early 00’s I have no doubt ‘Al’ would’ve been in the role.
Starro the Conqueror – John Wayne
Starro the Conqueror is revealed to be the “Project Starfish” the Squad is trying to destroy. The alien monster was happy just chilling in the vastness of space without any baked beans or whiskey. I find this extremely implausible. No being can last more than 48 minutes without baked beans. I’m so sure that this “Conqueror” is based off John Wayne’s seminal film, The Conqueror, that I’d sneak a sensation out of his bathroom and replace him with an identical body-double, smuggle him to Barbados and let him live out the rest of his life in order to prove it right.
Here’s an actual line from The Conqueror where Wayne portrayed Mongolian warlord, Genghis Khan:
“Howdy, partners. Let me put some of my armpit dingleberries all up in your faces.”
Poetry. It rhymes.
Thanks for making it to the end of the Badcast! I’m grateful you made it this far. Check out the last Badcast here.
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