Badcasting ‘Marvel’s Loki’
Welcome to Badcasting! A way for you to kill time at work or something to read while on the toilet. Here, we take a look at past films or characters and reimagine them with different actors. This isn’t a reflection on the quality of the film (in this case, Loki) or the talents of specific actors or actresses but instead looking at what could, and in some cases should, have been.
This edition’s Badcast: Loki.
SPOILERS for episodes 1-5.
Loki Prime – Sylvester Stallone
Loki will go down as one of the most lovable villains in history. His wit and charm is how he landed a Disney+ show. This season gave the character multiple “variants” of himself to contend with. Seeing what some more “evil” versions of himself were like; he began a transition to anti-hero. But to be a full-blown action hero he needs the look. Enter: Sylvester Stallone.
Sly has made a name for himself as one of the de facto action heroes from the 1980’s. He’ll give Loki that extra shot of testosterone and wrinkly skin he’s been sorely missing. I’d sell my neighbor’s first-born grandchild to see Sly deliver those witty and intelligent retorts Loki is known for.
Mobius – Ben Stein
Agent Mobius is Loki’s first immediate confidant in the series. He acts as a bridge between Loki’s old life and the craziness that is the Time Variance Authority. He’s a purveyor of knowledge and wisdom for our mischievous friend.
Owen Wilson was fine but he wasn’t charismatic enough. With all the boring time-travel exposition we need someone with pizzazz. And I can’t think of anyone more synonymous with pizzazz than Mr. “Bueller, Bueller” himself.
Sylvie – Wanda Sykes
Sylvie has spent her whole life running from the TVA. A Variant of Loki who eventually changed her name; Sylvie’s Nexus Event was being a woman. As a Loki, she lacks a certain ferocity.
Wanda Sykes has the potential to come in and shake up what it means to be a Loki. As established, Loki’s can look completely different from their “Prime” version. Since she looks NOTHING like Sylvester Stallone, it’ll be easy telling them a part in the big fight scenes.
Loki 2 – Sly But He Didn’t Star in a Porno
In the closing moments of Episode 4; our Loki Prime is introduce to craAaAaAzy Variants of himself. These Variants need to stand-out and really make it clear how different they are from the Loki we already know.
This first Sly Variant made the decision not to star in The Italian Stallion in the 1970’s. This sent him on the pathway to Sainthood where he’d eventually cure AIDS in 1992 causing his Nexus Event.
That’s right: the TVA is pro-AIDS.
Loki 3 – Sly But He Always Knows Where The Nearest Artisan Shop Is
This Variant is the Youngblood. He has to have an aura of youth and remind the other variants that Father Time comes for us all. Enjoy every precious second because eventually a faster, stronger, smarter version of you will appear and tell you the 18 reasons microbrews help with E.D.
That’s right: the TVA pruned the Variant that would cure E.D. The TVA is pro-soggy noodles.
Loki 4 -Sly But He Keeps Heavily Implying He’s The Easter Bunny
This Variant is just weird. He’s clearly a human (see: human parts) but also wants people to believe he’s the Easter Bunny. Now, in a universe where time-travel can be invented while doing the dishes and Paul Rudd is a believable superhero, a giant bunny isn’t out of the realm of possibility. But it has to be a BUNNY; not the star of Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot.
This Sly also has egg-teardrop tattoos. Does this mean he killed people? Did he kill bunnies? Whenever asked these questions he just laughs and hides an egg.
Loki 5 – Sly But He Keeps Asking You To Watch His Drink Before Running Away and Peeking Around The Corner
This one is the Black Sheep of the Variants. No one knows where he’s getting the Hi-C from but he’ll ask every person in the room at some point to watch his drink and then goes into the other room and spies from around the corner. Loki 3 took his eyes off it for a second and Loki 5 started crying asking why he didn’t love him anymore.
Thanks for making it to the end of the Badcast! I’m grateful you made it this far. Check out the last Badcast here.
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