Badcasting ‘F9: The Fast Saga’
Welcome to Badcasting! A way for you to kill time at work or something to read while on the toilet. Here, we take a look at past films or characters and reimagine them with different actors. This isn’t a reflection on the quality of the film (in this case, F9) or the talents of specific actors or actresses but instead looking at what could, and in some cases should, have been.
This edition’s film: F9: The Fast Saga.
There will be MILD SPOILERS for this film. Nothing pertaining to the plot.
Dominic Toretto – Stephen Hawking (Before the Wheelchair, Asshole)
Starting off this badcast is the “man” behind the family. Dominic Toretto is the face of this franchise and the backbone that keeps it strong and upright (don’t be mean about it). This former convict turned street racer is also a master marksman, combat fighter, software/electrical engineer, and expert ‘nana eater. Vin Diesel can pull most of these off flawlessly – except for the street racing part. We need a man who knows how to burn rubber like his life depended on it (seriously, stop it).
Hawking was a premier theoretical physicist and cosmologist well before he ever lost his ability to walk. After a quick Wikipedia read and watching the trailer for The Theory of Everything. I think I understand this man perfectly. He lost his ability to walk late in life leaving only his mind intact. If it were me, and my mind was the only thing fast, I’d be furious. Hawking deserves to put the pedal to the metal and live life in the fast lane one more time.
And, if he has to throw a dude out of an electric wheelchair in order to escape an army of hackers, that’s just art imitating life in a f^#ked up way.
Letty Ortiz – Cardi B
Letty Ortiz is one of many characters in this franchise who got a second chance at life. After dying in Fast & Furious, she was revealed to be alive in Fast & Furious 6. However, in F9, Rodriguez felt wasted. She was given few lines of dialogue in order to barely be considered a character arc and a few great action sequences.
Letty has grown into one of the series best ass-kickers. She takes down multiple combatants with ease. Love or hate her music; Cardi B has been known to knockout a few men in her time. Some would even consider her a tough pill to swallow. Let her loose on the villain’s henchmen and they won’t know what hit them….. or where their wallets are when they wake up. She can be driving around in her magnetized sports car yelling “OKURRR” instead of “YES” whenever something good happens for our heroes.
Roman Pearce – DK Metcalf
This one hurts to type because Tyrese is a god damn superstar that Hollywood doesn’t appreciate. The man lost his daughter in a supermarket or something and Instagram Lived it so we all would know how much pain he was in. The man can act his way out of a plastic bag (as long as there was another hole at the end of it). Let him perform his own rendition of “My Left Foot” on Broadway already! It’s his dream to do it and my dream to watch it. The character of Roman needs to be quick on his feet, though, and Tyrese’s damn left foot is holding him back.
DK Metcalf is not an actor whatsoever. DK Metcalf is a state of human evolution only one man has achieved. This man is terrifying to look at. Don’t even give DK a gun; let him just rip the heads off of the bad guys and laugh. He’s essentially bulletproof with those brownie-pan abs of his. Tyrese can act scared while on set, but put DK in those actual situations and he’ll always walk away unharmed. In this film, we see Roman go to space. Launch DK up in an actual rocket and he’ll be back down 2-3 days later with a Martian skull.
Tej Parker – Floyd Mayweather
I’m in the same boat with Ludacris as I am with Tyrese. Getting rid of Ludacris is so ridiculous that I can’t think of another word to describe how ridiculous it is. But he needs to focus on writing Ludaversal 2, which is a sacrifice I’m willing to make.
Floyd Mayweather being “retired” is about as accurate as me and not licking doorknobs; only true until someone offers us a ton of money or a YouTuber dares us. Floyd has plenty of acting gigs in his undefeated belt, including All-Star Weekend, Untitled Cars Project and Mayweather v Paul: Dawn of Scams. He’s more than ready to take on this multi-billion dollar franchise. He just needs to learn how to translate computer jargon off a script page, which should be as easy as teaching a middle-age man with potential brain injuries how to read.
I adore the gal who plays Ramsey, but three of the ten villains in this franchise (I’ll include the spinoff even if Vin won’t) have been British so I just refuse to trust anyone from that country. In her place, we’re getting Grammy Award-Winning AMERICAN artist, Lizzo.
“Fast” has made a habit of including talented recording artists in their films (perfect examples include Tyrese, Ludacris and Vin). It’s time to expand that list a little more. Lizzo is charismatic, loveable and can sing the boring exposition instead of reciting it, allowing the audience to hum and remember important details of whatever MacGuffin they’re after.
Jakob Toretto – Ric Flair
The estranged brother of Dom that we never knew about, Jakob comes into the “Fast” world and shakes everything up in F9. Much like Dom, Jakob is an expert at fucking everything and there’s nothing he can’t do – except be better than Dom. Brother v Brother. Mono eh Mano. Demi-God v God Complex.
Since John Cena has said he refuses to beat Ric Flair’s WWE Championship record, he is now the lesser man in my book. Honor has no place in a franchise with cars, butts and family. Ric Flair is clearly the superior fighter and therefore deserves to push Dominic Toretto out of his stupid wheelchair (he kept the guy’s wheelchair from earlier).
Han – Steve Jobs
Han makes a triumphant return to the living in F9 after dying in The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift/Fast & Furious 6/Furious 7. How did he survive you may be wondering? Mr. Nobody (Kurt Russell) reached out and employed him while he was living in Tokyo. So it was thanks to this job and Mr. Nobody’s protection that he remained alive.
Justice For Han? Maybe not entirely.
But I’m sure he was happy to settle for a Han Job.
Thanks for making it to the end of the F9 Badcast! I’m grateful you made it this far. Check out the last Badcast here.
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