Badcasting ‘Cats’

Welcome to Badcasting! A way for you to kill time at work or something to read while on the toilet! Here, we take a look at past films or characters and reimagine them with different actors. This isn’t a reflection on the quality of the film or the talents of specific actors or actresses but instead looking at what could, and in some cases, should have been.

This edition’s film: Cats

There will be NO SPOILERS for this tour de force of a film.

Victoria: The White Cat – Hello Kitty

We’ll be starting with our “protagonist.” I use that term loosely as this film also plays fast and loose with anything that could be related to “film” itself. Victoria is a blank slate; a new cat; a lost cat; a white cat. Why white? Probably not (but could be) a commentary on race. Already problematic. And on top of that, SHE’S NAKED.

By replacing her with Hello Kitty, we’ve now eliminated all of those negatives, except for how racist she definitely is. Hello Kitty has also been confirmed to be a human who just looks like a cat, so she was literally born for this f&$ked-up role. These hellspawns have remained ever-present in my life since I saw the movie and I don’t understand why.

Song: “White Power Is The Right Power (Don’t Call Me Karen)”

Skimbleshanks: The Railway Cat – This ‘Cats’ Enthusiast

Skimbleshanks was a tough one. I continually landed on various male models just due to the overwhelming sex appeal. But then I thought “What the f^#k did I just say?? “Sex appeal??” Kellen, it’s a goddamn cat.”

Following a long, cold shower and a trip to the nearest church to cleanse the soul, I went in a totally different direction. I wanted someone that is absolutely, positively, not sexy in any way shape, or form and is definitely a cat. This superfan went to the midnight premiere of Cats dressed like that instead of seeing Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker. As a man who’s now seen both, I can honestly say he made the right choice.

Song: “The Cat in the Hat Theme Song (feat. Garfield, Catwoman, Ludacris)”

Schpunkle Doozy: The ‘Not All There’ Cat – Michael Sheen

Schpunkle Doozy was a difficult cast. On one hand; you need a trained actor for some of the physical acting that needed to be done as well as a traditionally British singer. I don’t know if Michael Sheen can sing or how his physical acting is but he’s definitely British.

Schpunkle Doozy has one of the most intense songs of the film. He sings his name over and over to the tune of “Santa Baby,” like a demented Pokémon. While working his way up numerous octaves until he passes out from oxygen depravation three minutes into what should be a 15-minute solo. He later goes on to have one of the most intense scenes in the film. The moment where he pisses down his leg in the background during “Macavity” while staring directly into the camera, mouth agape, with no cognizance behind his eyes. Sheen could pull that off.

Song: “Schpunkle Doozy”

Old Deuteronomy: The ‘Old Dudes Are On Me’ Cat – Aging Porn Star

Old Deuteronomy is a cat of poise and elegance; as I was repeatedly told throughout the movie. But her demeanor and high reputation could mean she’s lived a full and exciting life that has garnered the respect of most “tomcats” in the neighborhood. Just like most porn stars when they age out at 28.

Casting an aging porn star in the role versus Dame Helen Mirren would only be helping out the former’s career. It’s a tough business and we need to treat our aging women well as they begin to retire. Why not cast the former “school teacher” as the wise, old cat? The overall acting in the film would probably go up.

Song: “WAP [Ballad]”

Semantha: The One Who (Probably) Has Feline AIDS  – Tilda Swinton

Everyone believes Jennifer Hudson’s ‘Grizabella’ was the emotional heart of the film. I would argue that the film had NO emotional heart and was just a soulless cash-grab by people hoping to replicate the popularity of The Greatest Showman; but I digest.

The real core of this musical should’ve have focused Semantha and how no one seems to care about her ailment. Tilda Swinton could’ve given this cat the swift kick in the acting nuts to really drive her woes home. And like all great tragic medical films, Cats doesn’t outright tell you she has Feline AIDS. You must pick up on the subtle clues, like I did. The most obvious, of which, was during her solo song where my heart truly wept for her.

Song: “Ow. These Feline AIDS Hurt”

Gottleib: The Weasel F^#ker – Kevin Spacey

I’m still kind of amazed that in a PG-13 film they decided to show a scumbag run around and fornicate with weasels. It was a very weird plot point that didn’t go anywhere and he never even connected with the main cast. He was like ‘Scrat’ in the Ice Age films – always looking for that nut.

I don’t believe in giving Kevin Spacey a second chance and refuse to let any of you see his face. He’s in the movie solely for the fact that this character definitely exists and needs an equally disgusting slimeball to take on the role.

Song: “The No No Square Song”

Beelzebub: The Quirky Cat – Paul Rudd

I had the most fun with this one. When ole Beezy popped up I knew I was in for a doozy of a song (not the “Schpunkle Doozy” song). Placing his face squarely in front of TV static with no other cats around was a nice touch. I remember the chorus so vividly too:

“ⱠØØ₭ ł₦₮Ø ₥Ɏ ɆɎɆ₴ ₳₦Đ ₣ɆɆⱠ Ʉ₦ł₥₳₲ł₦₳฿ⱠɆ ₣Ɇ₳Ɽ ₳₴ ł ₣Ɇ₳₴₮ Ø₦ ɆVɆⱤɎ ØɄ₦₵Ɇ Ø₣ Ⱨ₳₱₱ł₦Ɇ₴₴ ₮Ⱨ₳₮ Ⱨ₳₴ ɆVɆⱤ ₱₳₴₴ɆĐ ₮ⱧⱤØɄ₲Ⱨ ɎØɄⱤ ₱₳₮ⱧɆ₮ł₵ ₥ØⱤ₮₳Ⱡ ฿ØĐɎ.”

What’s cool is that font appears whenever I type that. It’s so catchy that it’s been stuck in my head every day, nonstop since I saw the movie in April. But Paul Rudd should play him just due to the quirkiness of it all lol idk.

Song: “₭ɆⱠⱠɆ₦ ₥ɄⱤ₳₵₭ ɎØɄⱤ ₴ØɄⱠ Ⱨ₳₴ ฿ɆɆ₦ ₵Ⱡ₳ł₥ɆĐ.”

Thanks for making it to the end of that! I’m grateful you made it this far. Check out the last Badcast here.

Cats is available now on HBO Max and Blu-Ray.

—–

Did you enjoy this article? If so, consider visiting our YouTube channel, where we discuss the latest and greatest in pop culture news.