Warner Brothers has been all over the news these last few months for the wrong reasons. Whether it was the cancellation of DC’s Batgirl film, removal of their own media off of HBO Max, or even reanimating the succubus, Ulibco, and forcing it to proofread reality tv show concepts. Their PR team is working overtime to put out these fires, and I’m here to help out that group of 3 by giving them 49 Ways Warner Brothers Can Turn Things Around!
- Kill Ulibco. This shouldn’t even be on the table, but here we are.
- Breed and sell miniature schnauzers to the Girl Scouts of America: self-explanatory.
- Sell Discovery back to Christopher Columbus and let him do more discovering.
- Sell Discovery back to Christopher Columbus, but only if he pinky-promises not to do any more genocides.
- Create a spin-off of Top Chef called Bottom Chef, where you take the worst chefs from 10 Applebee’s across America and force them to cook without a microwave.
- Buy Apple.
- Buy Banana.
- Buy…s#!t that’s my grocery list. Both are good options, though.
Sell No Neck Ed to a Turtle Exhibit.
- Create the iPod 2.
- See if Burger King forgot to trademark the “Whopper.” Swoop in and collect royalties forever.
- See if Wendy’s forgot to trademark the “Baconator.” Swoop in and collect royalties forever.
- See if Delaware forgot to trademark “Useless Piece of S#!t State.” Swoop in and collect royalties until China takes over.
- Sell the Delaware slogan to China.
- Produce viable, long-running content for years to come.
Release Ezra Miller into Disneyworld.
- See if you can make Ocean’s 14 without Bernie Mac, Carl Reiner, and Matt Damon (too expensive).
- Challenge 1,000 twelve-year-olds to a fight. Bet against yourself. Throw the fight.
- Challenge 1,000 twelve-year-olds to a fight. Bet against yourself. Get murdered by 1,000 twelve-year-olds. Your heirs use winnings to sue 1,000 families—triple the profit.
- Change your name to “Dizney” and hope no one notices.
- Release Batgirl by starting the Twitter account “Every Batgirl Frame In Order” — if it ever dips below 1,500 likes/tweet, you stop tweeting the frames. Let the masses dictate if the entire film is ever released.
- Release the Ayer Cut to just my friend Noah—trust that his word of mouth is enough to get people excited for future DC Films.
Try to get on Bar Rescue and hope the same principles apply to a movie studio.
- Pivot entirely and become Orange Julius’ main competitor in shopping centers.
- Convince Sony to re-re-release Morbius.
- 4-D Printer(?!)
- Sell homemade crafts on Etsy.
- Create and market David Zaslav-exclusive OnlyFans account: ZonlyFans.
- Focus all funds and resources on creating your own political party within the current United States democracy. Win the House, Senate, and Presidency. Make it illegal to run a studio semi-competently. Become the last remining movie studio.
Sell the Harry Potter licensing rights to Trojan Condoms.
- Make Looney Tunes: Back in Action 2 and give Brendan Fraser a 300,000% pay increase.
- Fight a bear.
- Go on a vision quest in the San Fernando Valley.
- The Big Bang Theory reunion special. Execute Jim Parsons during The Big Bang Theory reunion special. Announce The Big Bang Theory continuation in honor of Jim Parsons.
- Live-action Wacky Races starring Chris Pratt as Muttley.
- Attract top-tier and established creatives to craft art for your company then have your nephew, who has 1.7k subscribers on YouTube, do all of your film editing.
- See Bullet #24.
- Go back to school and choose a more lucrative career path.
- Warner Bros. exclusive cars(??)
- Continue to tank the studio and eventually release an 8-part docuseries about this failed endeavor.
- Ted Lasso-themed amusement park.
Purchase FullCircleCinema.com for $3.2 million for the excellent publicity.
- Bet it all on red.
- Buy the exclusive rights to Dharma & Greg. Reboot it with a less stupid name: Dharma & Giovanni.
Hire a CEO who is business savvy as well as flexible with creativesHuckleberry Hound Cinematic Universe.
- Focus on creating Yugoslavian-skewed content.
- Wonder Twins but starring conjoined twins.
- Increase HBO Max price to $15,000/month and not tell anyone. With the estimated 76.8 million current subscribers, you’d net roughly $1.15 trillion in a month. You’re f^cking welcome. Idiots.
This list was originally 106 bullets long but I’m saving all the good ones for my eventual sit-down with Warner Bros.
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