As the first and the only feature film from the Barney-verse, Barney’s Great Adventure, establishes itself as the pinnacle of friendship storytelling. Barney made his dumpy presence known in the children’s television program Barney & Friends back in 1992. It went on for 18 years before ending in 2010. The series has remained popular through syndication and subliminal mind-altering chemicals found in most major juice boxes. Get Out star Daniel Kaluuya’s production company has announced another feature film based on the giant purple people eater.
Barney’s Great Adventure Synopsis
The synopsis is as follows — thanks to the Barney Wiki Fandom, which I’m a moderator and one of three active members:
“The plot follows Barney, along with three young children named Cody, Abby, and Marcella, as they discover a magical egg in a barn. After learning that the egg is a dream maker, Barney and the gang must return the egg to the barn before it hatches.”
To say the stakes had never been higher would be a serious understatement. The implications of an egg that makes literal wishes come true could potentially bring about the end of the world. But you already know all of this. You wouldn’t want the ending of this film spoiled if you hadn’t already watched it. But if you haven’t or need a refresher, here’s the film in its entirety in 8k.
Christopher Nolan has gone on record saying that “Inception is really just Barney’s Grand Adventure plus Juno.”
Aside from the very obvious reference to Pearl Harbor, the film is relatively straightforward.
Barney’s Great Adventure Ending
Barney and his horde of children return the egg to the barn just in time where it then hatches the unholy Twinken. This sentient Koala has the ability to project people’s dreams. Convenient he only projects the pre-pubescent childrens’ dreams and not those of the horny old farmer in a loveless marriage.
With the universe saved Barney reverts back to his unsuspecting toy form and gets baked with Twinken on the outside porch swing. The Newton siblings and Marcella head inside the house with the Grandparents’ Newton and Baby Fig.
Holy shit I just got that. Fig Newton. Because Fig backward is Gif and there are a ton of gifs of babies and Isaac Newton. Ya got me again, Barney.
Barney’s Great Adventure Ending Explained
So, what was the point of that whole adventure? Why tell this story? It really comes down to one thing.
Watergate.
The Watergate Scandal happened in 1972. The world was still reeling from this horrifying police state they believed to be living in. When the film was being ideated and written in the mid-’90s, many were still recovering from the scandal. Having a creature that could project a human’s subconscious dreams and thoughts would’ve been invaluable to Dr. Waters Gate.
Audiences were also left to wonder if their Barney doll had the ability to turn into a giant 8 foot talking dinosaur on a whim.
The answer? Yes.
The Illuminati and Girl Scouts have been casting hexes on these dolls for over 600 millennia. These dolls have the ability to transform and teach your kids how to read, write and be polite. That should terrify any god-fearing man or woman with a Karen haircut. I got sent a link to a Facebook group that is exposing the Barney Cabal. Here’s the link if you want to help spread the truth and fight in the Teletubby Army.
Closing Thoughts
This film is holding up a mirror to society and saying “No, really. You’ve got some broccoli right there. Yeah, in the left nostril.”
It wants you to walk away from it and go “Wow, that was bad. Why were B.J. and Baby Bop there at the end? They only had small cameos. Was their inclusion in the final scene even warranted? Do THEY turn into dolls? If so, why is Baby Bop worried about bedtime? If they aren’t dolls, are they just roaming this small town? Are the townspeople okay with this? B.J. was out in broad daylight so he must’ve been seen by someone. Why are people concerned about a giant purple dinosaur when a green and yellow one could be lurking in their own alley? Shit, I’m late to grab the kids. I just know Angie is going to yell at me. I don’t miss those tongue lashings at all. Why did I watch this alone in my apartment? Better get going and ohmygod! What the hell?! Are…..are those? IS THAT AN ARMY OF BARNEYS?! HOLY SHIT THEY’RE KILLING EVERYONE. ANGIE!!! KIDS!!! WHY DID I HAVE TO WASTE THOSE 71 MINUTES WHYYYYYY??”
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